Thursday, June 15, 2017


It's the worst piece of shit released all year, do you even care if I spoil this?
Universal Studios, much like every other studio right now, has decided to build a franchise out of connected solo movies, yeah, I'm rolling my eyes. To their credit, Universal did create the Cinematic Universe with the Universal Monsters, but why are they doing superhero-esque action films? I mean I know it's because of the MCU, but why not focus on doing horror features with these guys? I mean they're horror monsters, keep it to that, tell new stories, or just up the visuals to frighten audiences, not every Cinematic Universe needs to be about superheroes coming together you know?

So, the new "Dark Universe", because of course the new Cinematic Universe is called that, is kicking off with The Mummy, so long as Universal denies the existence of Dracula Untold. While I never expected this to be good, man did I not expect this to be this bad, as I sit here thinking about it, I feel like I'm slowly grasping how much of a disaster this is, like a car crash in motion. The only thing kind of redeemable here, is the gifs that will be made of Sofia Boutella kicking Tom Cruise around.

So the plot of this obvious marketing shitstain, is that Tom Cruise is a hip young soldier at the age of 50-something, who desires to get rich by robbing tombs. Tom Cruise and his plus one, find a mummy tomb, they explore it with Tom Cruise's love interest this time,  unexpectedly unleashing Sofia Boutella, who is the best thing about this movie as the mummy, though she still ends up trying too hard for a movie that clearly doesn't care for her. As it turns out, Tom Cruise is the perfect human, so Sofia Boutella wants to turn him into the God of Death, because why not. Russel Crowe, who is factually younger than Tom Cruise, plays an older man known as Dr.Henry Jekyll, no for real, he even hides Dracula's skull and the Creature of the Black Lagoon's hand because reasons. So Dr.Franchise Tease, decides he wants Cruise to turn into the God of Death too, so that he can blow the God of Death up, because trying to kill the God of Death is apparently a better plan than just stopping the God of Death from coming in the first place. Here's the twist though, Tom becomes the God of Death and kills Sofia Boutella, becoming the one true mummy of this movie universe.

How fucked up is that? We start this universe off (forget about Dracula Untold) with a female monster, only to end with Cruise becoming a new mummy, kill off the monster given to us in the marketing, so that Cruise can take her place in the action franchise they're doing. Not that the action here is good, it's very boring, but holy shit do the optics on that suck, "Sofia, you are the ultimate feminist monster, so we'll close this out with Tom becoming a mummy, knocking you out, AND taking your spot" I guess I should be glad that Tom didn't just punch her while shouting "bitch!", but it's a shitty thing to do regardless.

Never horrifying, never kicking ass in the action department, this is a gargantuan mess of a movie. I was bored all throughout, I don't desire to see more, my only compliment is that at least it's not as bad as Man of Steel was as far as franchise starters go. The Mummy is 2017's worst feature to date by miles. 

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Written by Octaviano Macias 

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