Friday, February 3, 2017


Alright, if you don't follow me on any form of Social Media you missed out on these, so here they all are, partially edited to clear any typos, have fun reading through the original January of Suck.


WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH????!!!! WHY THE FUCK WASN'T NED BEATTY PLAYING LOTSO, AT LEAST THEN HE WOULD HAVE INCINERATED PURPLE!???... You may think I'm mad, but the truth is, January of Suck is off to a good start with shit like this, I'm so proud.


HOW DID I GO FROM PEOPLE EATING TO PUSSY EATING???!!! Look I get that some people find this sexy, but, no, sorry, this movie sucks, amazingly bad, it's not even good as a "porno" it's FAR too tame to be sexy. Also HOW THE FUCK IS CHRISTIAN NOT IN JAIL!!!??? Dude stalks the lead, and clearly is a creep with some very fucked up mental issues.The worst part is that this movie was a chore to sit through, none of it was so bad it's good, this is godawful.


THIS WAS AN decent movie, I mean maybe its because its both shorter and nowhere near as bad as the other two movies, but SUPER MARIO BROS.:THE GREAT MISSION TO RESCUE PRINCESS PEACH! Is just not that awful, it at least has decent story and some funny jokes. That being said its not good, aside from Bowser, Luigi and at times Peach, the characters are boring, the story gets repetitive in bits, the twist sucks, the animation is okay, and it's not too memorable, but shit at least it wasnt Fifty Shades of Grey horrible, so Five stars, movie of the year, oscar worthy, whatever.


THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE IS REFERENCING THE BOMB, NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER! So I gotta be honest, this movie is not as awful as I was promised, it's quite possibly the most decent film I've seen so far in this run. The religious stuff isn't offensive, in fact it's actually pretty well done, it's one of the few faith based films that actually promotes love and not hate. The biggest issue throughout the running time, aside from it being too long, is that too many of the characters act too cartoonish, the cheesiness and the one dimensional feel of it all is really annoying. So the movie chugs along, with decent stuff, and even some really good stuff like the main character having a friendship with an old Japanese man. Of course the movie then had to FUCK IT ALL UP. The reaction after the war ends is a bit too happy and ridiculous over the matter of so many deaths, but if that were the case I might've gotten over it, but no the movie, surprisingly gets worse, the main character's father, in a shit twist, comes back home, safely, despite the message having been so good up to that point. So not a horrible movie, not a good one, just okay... but this month is about shit movies, so tommorow I hope I see something that lives up to the promise.


AND BACK TO SHIT! Well the decency run ended quick, SPY HARD is one of the earlier parodies from "Seltzerberg" (EPIC MOVIE,MEET THE SPARTANS,ETC.) And yeah it shows, the humor is gross out childish humor, the parodies are of its time, and most of it is just boring. The only decent thing here is the performance of the great Leslie Nelson, outside of that, you're better off skipping this dud.


THIS MOVIE SUCKS, REAL BAD, EVEN FIFTY SHADES WAS MORE TOLERABLE! So just when I thought I'd never see something worse than Day 2's mess, here comes this movie to prove me wrong. I haven't seen an action movie this boring since Transformers 3, not a single bit of this goes by without feeling like it's ten minutes of boring as shit dialogue, even the action scenes feel lifeless. Jupiter is quite possibly one of the weakest female leads in ages, all she does in this crap is get captured to be rescued by an obviously bored Channing Tatum.You know the story isn't memorable, when the movie decides to repeat itself, as if the audience forgot all the story beats of the prior ten minutes, this epic tale of fantasy is that stupid. But maybe I didn't enjoy it because I don't love dogs as much as Jupiter. Fuck this! 


UM.... WHAT!??!? So this was a movie that happened. Admittedly this is an alternate edit from what I once saw a clip of, but still this was weird. Course it was also boring, racist and annoying, but mostly I was just weirded out by this one. That's all I got, just, why? Why make a Titanic cartoon? With a rapping dog? The fuck? 


GUYS, ZERO IS OUR HERO!!!! Alright lets get things straight, this is the Harmony Gold dub of this movie (Curse of the Blood Rubies) wherein most of the characters are renamed, like Goku is Zero, Bulma is Lena, etc. As such, this is the shortest movie yet (at 44 minutes) but make no mistake, it's still pretty bad. There's no awkward changes beyond the names, but the voices are awful, most aren't fit for the characters, but the ones that sound decent tend to sound like they've got no experience in it. The worst part is how rushed this all feels, as a short summary of the first arc, this gets so rushed in the first half that there barely is any room to tell the main story in the second half. I guess its certainly not the worst I've seen in recent memory, but I can't exactly call this decent by how boring it all comes up. Now time to see if a live-action version of this is any worse...TEASE!


UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..... THE FUCK!? So yes there's another live-action Dragon Ball movie, and this one is weirder by miles, and yet it's also funnier. Make no mistake it's a bad film, but it's so funny in its awfulness that I recommend this to all Dragon Ball fans. From the awkward lines ("There's magic in his shorts") to the weird choices in performances (Master Roshi at one point breaks out in a dance number, for reasons I could barely understand) this is one hilarious mess. So as bad as it is, yeah, I think you should watch it for a laugh. 

DAY 10

I HATE NIRVANA! So this movie is the perfect example of what the fuckery in choices, early on it's a jukebox musical, because... reasons? Peter changes constantly throughout the film for no reason, first he's a shy kid, then hes brave, to mischievous by the end because, well because. Honestly its all ridiculous, though I guess it wasn't awful, I mean it's bad, but not the worst thing I've seen. Though the worst thing in it has to be Hugh Jackman acting like Johnny Depp for whatever reason, well him and James Hook. Not the worst, but definitely a bad mishmash of weird choices. 

DAY 11

THEY'RE STONERS,GET IT!??! I am by no means against stupid comedies, but man some of these just don't age well. I honestly felt like I was watching a crappy time capsule of the last decade, reminded of how shitty some comedies were. I'll admit I did find bits funny, but its few and far between. Personally, if I want to watch a stoner comedy, I'd rather stick to other, better films. 

DAY 12

WHO THE FUCK WAS THIS EVEN MADE FOR!? HOLY SHIT WAS THIS AWFUL. I am no Jem fan, let that be clear, hell, I barely know the cartoon, but even I can tell you this was a slap to the face of its fans. No this was a slap to the face of film lovers, to music lovers, to youtube fans, everyone. I can't imagine what the hell everyone involved was thinking, not a single thing here is well thought out. The choices made for the story and characters are cliched at best, and abysmal at worst, I mean, just why? Why does this movie consider the "lead singer is going solo because, because" to be the best source of conflict? I mean shit, how many popular bands are forced to breakup over a studio's decision to push it's lead? I may be wrong, but it can't be that many, especially within a month of their creation. The only decent thing in this movie is their choice to make The Misfits appear in a Thanos-esque mid credits scene, but by that point is anyone watching? No, because after so many random "artistic" cuts to youtube videos, during scenes where the characters are being rebellious you'd probably walk out of this sheer stupidity. On that note, The Misfits will never fulfil their tease, because I'm one of the five people who actually watched this piece of fucking shit, so don't hold your breath for Jem 2-Electric Boogalo. Fuck this! 

DAY 13

BUY MCDONALD'S!!!!!! I'd like to be mad about this horrible E.T. ripoff, with all of its horribly obvious product placement, but I just can't, this is so poorly made, that all I can do is laugh, and laugh hard. Seriously I got nothing to say, this is the right kind of bad, the kind that just makes you laugh at how much everyone failed in doing this. So yeah, go watch this, it's not good, or decent, in fact it's horrid, but fascinatingly so.

DAY 14

CAUSE THE LAST TIME WE GOT A PG-13 TERMINATOR MOVIE, IT WAS SO GOOD AM I RIGHT?! Okay so this movie sucks for the same reason the last two have, we don't need more Terminator movies, the original was a one and done story, while the first sequel only worked because aside from some better effects, telling the story with John Connor in place of Sarah made some sense. Plus liquid robots was unique, thing is there was no way to top that, so 3 tried recreating that feel, but with a female terminator to "stand out", while 4 tried giving us the war, only to then realize that the war is the boring part, so now 5, titled Genisys, because spelling isn't cool, tries to once again recreate 2, but make it "cooler" by updating it, while recreating some cool stuff not in 2. But yeah, the violence is toned down, making it more boring, filled with bad performances (aside from Arnold, duh) that bog the whole thing down to feeling less like a continuation, and more like the worst kinds of remakes. It's the worst of the franchise, but sadly not the worst movie I've seen recently... pray for me... 

DAY 15


DAY 16

I THINK NOLAN IS OVERRATED, THERE I SAID IT! Okay so obviously I'm breaking my rules a bit here, this movie isn't widely hated, but there was some well known negative feedback to this, plus yeah, it gives me an excuse to talk about one of my unpopular opinions. While certainly not awful, this movie does go on too long, and never feels as well thought out as the dialogue may lead you to believe, are the effects cool? Sure, is everyone trying their hardest? Yes, but aside from McConaughey and Bill Irwin's TARS, I didn't care about any of the characters. So anything else that sucks? Well, yes, the dialogue is often too much "important, meaningful, speeches" that should be shortened out, while also being a little too unbelievable for people to have. I kinda feel like I may have to watch it again, largely because I slept through 30 minutes of this, but the only thing keeping my interest in doing so is seeing more of the above actors, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt, but I disliked this, as well as most of Nolan's films.

DAY 17

ALRIGHT, FUCK YOU INSTAGRAM, LET THIS WORK! So as someone who stopped watching the show ages ago and only plays the games, how does this fare? Well it fucking sucks. Look these movies rarely have any real tension, the plots are often just extended episodes, while this movie specifically, just feels pointless, Arceus is the god of this world, the issue should be easy to solve, and even within the context of this movie, righting the wrongs of the past feel useless to the overall plot, but whatever I'm sure fans enjoy this movie, so who am I to complain much? Though Arceus the Pokegod has a whiny voice thats for sure. 

DAY 18

THIS ISN'T THE RIGHT HOLIDAY?!?! Okay, look, I get that there's a fanbase for this character, but I'm not a part of that. I don't find most of this funny, I don't think these are even well made, but as if that's gonna stop fans from watching these movies. I don't find myself too mad about this one, but that's mostly because I've already forgotten most of it. Anyway the real question is how did they make Larry the Cable Guy the most charming character here? I mean, not that I love his part, but he's decent, the last time I said Larry managed to be charming was in a Pixar film, so yay?

DAY 19

I DIDN'T SEE THE FIRST MOVIE, I WAS SO LOST!!! Seriously though, I've heard the first movie was a funny movie, but this one isn't, I mean I won't deny there were funny jokes but most of it is just gross out cruel humor for the sake of it without any real punch to it. Then there's the obvious lack of John Cusack here, who is replaced with his "son" for no reason, other then to create an obvious, forced misdirection. I definitely think this is on the better end of movies I've seen this month, but by no means is it good. 

DAY 20

GET IT!??! IT'S FUNNY CAUSE SHE'S A TOUGH GIRL ACTING LIKE A BIMBO!Except Miley doesn't strike me as a tough girl, so that joke is ruined. Honestly I get the feeling that this started off as a more serious spy film, but as they realized that Miley couldn't play the role they jumped ship on that, turning this into something easier for her to play. Maybe if this was a bit raunchier there'd be something worthwhile, as is though, the average Disney Channel show feels as edgy as this. 

DAY 21

WAIT, WASN'T THIS CALLED WELCOME TO YESTERDAY?!!! Well heres a stupid time travel/found footage movie, what's it about? Dipshit kids fucking around until the movie decides to have a plot, which isn't an exactly interesting plot. I don't even really get how it all works, if the lead finds out about the time machine, because of his appearance in his birthday home video from a decade ago, then how did he get his hands on it? His past/future self goes to stop the event by destroying all info on it, so how? Granted this could be overlook if the movie was better, but it just isn't. My biggest takeaway here is that apparently doing something for a shot at love equals end of the world, no seriously, the lead goes back to be serious with the girl he loved, only to result in a mass ripple effect causing bad thing after bad thing to happen, despite every other time travel adventure having little effect on the world, so um, yeah time traveling in the name of your boner equals the end of the world. Beyond that, well look, guys, watching shit all in a row has made it easier to watch without getting too mad, but shit, it's certainly doesn't excuse this, nor does it make it any less forgettable. Between this and Hot Tub Time Machine 2, how the fuck is the comedy a better place to understand how time travel works? 

DAY 22

SEXY FRANKENSTEIN IS NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP THIS IN MIND! So here's something original, a "cool" reboot of a classic bad guy, now as an action hero filled with angst and a loner "tude" to boot, plus action scenes from literally every dark, fantasy film from the past decade, how can this not be fresh? Okay so I'm not even mad at this one, just bored, incredibly bored, every scene that occurred felt like that memory eraser from MiB, in that I honestly had a hard time remembering what occurred before each current scene I was in, I mean I can sum up the movie, but if you ask me to go into details of it, sorry, I just have a hard time remembering each bit, I was that bored with this one. At the end of the day, all I can really say is that cool, sexy Frankenstein, is not cool or sexy enough to be worth a laugh, or a memory to hold on to. 

DAY 23

BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! Well shit, a remake that didn't need to be made sucks? Shocking. Okay here's a truth I must admit, I hate the use of the "unnecessary" phrase as a way to say something sucks, yes even though I've used it pretty commonly, to me about 99 percent of the movies that have been made are unnecessary, I mean, realistically what makes a good movie "necessary"? Hell I'd even say some awful films are more needed than a lot of the films I've enjoyed, but yeah, unnecessary just feels right in too many bad films, this one included. While the original is by no means an all time classic, it still is a pretty good film, and this remake does nothing but try to bank on that, while never doing anything exciting in the process. There's really nothing frightening here, the "tragic" prom is lame as the effects and deaths are barely deserving of the R rating it holds, and the excessive blood just feels ridiculous. I like a lot of the actors here, and it's clear they're trying, but no matter how much they try, I can't help but feel annoyed, maybe it's the writing, or the editing, but I just feel the characters are way too fake to be real, but not campy enough to enjoy. I love an over the top bloodfest, but it's gotta be fun to witness, this is more like a blandfest. 

DAY 24

GET IT,GET IT,GET IT,GET IT,GET IT, GET IT, GET IT, GET IT, GET IT. FUCK! So this was quite possibly the weirdest piece of shit I've ever seen, by miles, I mean seriously what the fuck? I'm not even mad or bored, I just don't know what to say, well one thing I can say is that I rarely laughed, I mean I got most of the jokes, I just didn't think it was funny, but I can say I'll remember this one, that is for sure. It may suck, but it's not the hardest thing I sat through. 

DAY 25

HEY GUYS, I JUST SAW A PUSSY!!!Cat. Yes, this movie sucks, it's one of the worst superhero movies, no shit, here's my main takeaway, the film's greatest enemy is the editing, seriously, if I made a drinking game over how many bad edits were in the movie I'd be dead halfway through it. Also, the film tries creating a pro feminist message in both it's hero and villain, except it fails badly, in fact this ends up feeling more sexist than a Michael Bay film, let that sink in. On an unrelated note, as I wrote this as I was watching SAMURAI PIZZA CATS.

DAY 26

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! You thought Fifty shades was bad? You haven't seen this fucker, holy shit, this is by far the worst and hardest sit through all month. What the fuck were the christians even thinking? If you've never heard of this, GOOD! This was released last year as a counter product to Fifty Shades of Grey, so essentially, yes this CHRISTIAN FIFTY SHADES. The guy in here is a creep, so creepy that I take back what I said about Mr. Grey, this fucker needs to go to jail, I'm certain this guy is hiding a child in his bedroom when he feels sinful. Just, why? This was so goodamn long and boring, I'd rather watch Jupiter ascend, I'd rather watch Pixum and Nirvana, I'd rather watch Tim and Eric say get it for an hour, just anything. This one of the longest feeling movies I've ever seen, the entirety of the MCU would feel shorter as a sit through. I'm glad this month is almost over. 

DAY 27

IT'S A ROB SCHNEIDER FILM AND- Do you really need me to tell you what sucks here? No, no you don't, so just leave it be, this sucks, that's all you need to be told.

DAY 28

I HAVE THE POWER!!! So this was incredibly cheesy, good in parts, but bad in most others. I like the costumes for the most part, and the actors are all fairly game for it, though Langella is the best as an over the top Skeletor, he really does shine. Unfortunately, this movie decides to be set in modern day, which ruins it, had the film just kept the fantasy as the focus (the most enjoyable moments in the movie) it might've been a fun little film, but sadly that is a fraction of the movie. The only real downside to the fantasy side of this is that a lot of the fights become laser battles, why doesn't He-Man use his sword more often, I'll never know. So I guess this was pretty okay, not good, not bad, just a cheesy movie that could've been more fun if it was confident in the fantasy. 

DAY 29

THIS ISN'T THE RIGHT PANDA MOVIE!? I also could've started with, OH MY GOD THE ANIMATION IS SO FRIGHTENING!IT'S BEYOND HORRIBLE!!! Or... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS!? Or... MY GOD I'VE SEEN BETTER CG IN THE EARLY 90'S... My point is that this is horrible and I can only think of opening lines. I mean, yeah it's awful, but nothing surprising, so yeah watch the actual Panda movie instead. 

DAY 30

FUCK.THIS. MOVIE. By no means is this the worst movie I've seen throughout this month, but it is the most insulting, I love Marvel, no really I LOVE MARVEL, and the Four are amongst my favorites, but good god is this a slap to the face, hell I'm amongst the few people that didn't hate any of the previous incarnations (though I had no love for them either) but this one is just a big piece of shit, more so than expected. As I watched this I wasn't too annoyed, but as I thought more and more about it in the hours that followed, yeah this one just kept getting worse, it was a slow burn that culminated in me feeling beaten down, this movie destroys all love for the characters, and don't let the director's words fool you, this movie was fucked even before Fox messed with it. Fuck this movie, and lets see if tomorrows movie is worse, to give you a hint, it began with a crappy forgotten kids film of the past, it's going to end with a crappy forgotten kids film of a more modern time. 

DAY 31

IT FINALLY ENDS! Also, is it just me or is the yellow one looking like shes hiding something illegal here? Anyhow this was a steaming pile of shit, I mean I get that it's for preschoolers, but no lie, if your kid likes this, well, I really hope they aren't being picked on, though it won't surprise me if they are. I mean no wonder no one saw this, the stupid interactive bullshit, story, and effects (which apparently were 60 million dollars worth, clearly not spent well) are idiotic to the point of doing more harm to a child's mind than helping. The only thing sort of worth watching is the celebrities brought on here, they clearly are hiding pain behind their performances, Cary Elwes in particular looks like he's ready to scream as he runs of set while holding in a lot of shit. So yeah for the love of god, let me be the 6th and last person to watch this shit.... well that was January of Suck folks, not satisfied? Well I've got a "best" and worst list to make, after that, well, stay tuned to find out. 


Alright here's my top 9 movies for this run, be aware that this is my opinion and sadly, despite being my top 9, most of these still suck, they're just the least bad of the bunch.
9-Pokemon:Arceus and The Jewel of Life. I disliked this one, but I can acknowledge that fans would enjoy it, plus it didn't annoy me.
8-Mac and Me. Horrible, but there's some joy to be had with how cheesy it is, so can't hate it as much, plus the Paul Rudd gag from Conan makes this worth it.
7-Dude Where's My Car. Fun premise and some funny gags, sadly bogged down by a lot of crap jokes.
6-Hot Tub Time Machine 2. Very much unneeded, but yeah I can admit I laughed in parts, still there's a lot of misses here, but more jokes land than the prior choice.
5-Dragon Ball The Magic Begins. Very bad, but consistently funny in its cheesiness, so I couldn't help but put this here.
4-Super Mario Bros.:The Great Mission To Rescue Princess Peach! Mostly forgettable, but adorable at times, plus it is nice to see an early look at the franchise.
3-Interstellar. I didn't really care for this one, but it's well made, plus Matthew and TARS makes this worth a watch.
2-Masters of the Universe. Cheesy, but fun, if only it stuck with the past, rather than force a time travel story to bring it down.
1-Little Boy. Up to this point, I would not consider any of these movies to be good, and while Little Boy is no exception, it is the only one I'd recommend as a genuinely decent film. Its well made, has good performances, and despite messing up in the last act, I was glad to watch it. So yes, watch Little Boy, not for kicks, or for one part, but for most of it, which was surprisingly good.
Okay, thats this list, now for the worst.

Alright, let's get this over with, here's the worst last month offered me.
10-Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie.Days after watching this and I'm not sure I watched it.supposedly I'm told that the goal was to make a "bad" movie, well they did make a bad movie.
9-Christian Mingle The Movie.Religion in movies can be good, but most movies focused on it suck, this was no exception, granted it also sucked as an ad for a love site.
8-The Oogieloves in the Big Ballon Adventure. This is a movie designed to make your kids dumber, but pedo Cary Elwes kind of makes it worth a look, kind of.
7-Fant4Stic.This movie pissed me off the most, I love these characters,how can I not be mad at their portrayal here? But sadly, there were worse movies here, like...
6-Purple People Eater.This movie has no real plot,just a string of kid movie tropes, while a checklist of the song is marked off. It's dull,boring and felt like an eternity to sit through.
5-Jem & The Holograms.THIS MOVIE WAS MADE FOR NO ONE... But that mid-credit bit was nice?
4-I,Frankenstein. I can barely remember this mess, I remember the plot,but ask me the specifics,well yeah, mission impossible.
3-Fifty Shades Of Grey. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT NUMBER 1?!
2-Jupiter Ascending.Oh right, this boring piece of shit starring the worst damsel in distress. Seriously the films main plot points are Jupiter being kidnapped again and again.
1-Old Fashioned.The absolute worst shit I sat through, thirty minutes in and I assumed I was more than halfway through. I'd rather take any of the recent stalkers in "romance" movies like Mr.Grey and Edward over the ass in this "Christian" counter Fifty Shades movie.
Well this was fun,maybe I'll do it next year, in any case it's officially over, hope you enjoyed and if you want more let me know.

So there you have it, admittedly I wish I could go back and do these as actual reviews, rather than trying to make bad jokes for laughs, but I had fun doing it the way it was, so fine, it's how January of Suck started. Thanks for reading!

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Written by Octaviano Macias

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